Depression is waking up seeing a beautiful sunrise and recognizing its beauty but not fundamentally being able to appreciate that sunset for the beautiful thing it is. Depression is being happy in the moment knowing that 2 hours from now you will be in the bathroom crying because you are stressed at work. Hating that you can't take another day at the job you need to keep in order to put food on the table. Depression is dropping g a cup while doing the dishes and then spending 20 minutes on the floor crying because you can't do anything right.
Depression is spending the late hours of the night wondering if your friends don't like or care about you but only tolerate you. Depression is sleeping 9 or 10 hours a day because you would rather be asleep than have to worry about life. Depression is hating yourself for feeling down or upset with life when you know you have no right to feel the way you do. Because at least you are lucky enough to have been born in a country that won't stone you for simply existing because you are transgender. Depression is hating having to explain yourself and your depression only to be told "well just quit being so damn sad" or "cheer the fuck up you are bumming everyone out."
Depression is crying yourself to sleep at night because that "funny little joke" some told at your expense feels like life taking yet another potshot at you and saying fuck you. Depression is being alone in a room full of your closest friends and family. It's constantly wondering if you belong or fit in anywhere in the world. It's finding an article or song or poem like this one that expresses how you feel so you save and bring it up your depression comes into convorsation. Depression is knowing you need help but refusing to get it because others need it more. Depression is a stack of dirty dishes in the sink and unfolded laundry on your desk chair in the corner of the room waiting patiently to be put away.
Depression is mail stacked so high it overflows from the mailbox because you could not bring yourself to even go out and get the mail. Depression is going to the grocery store knowing you need to eat but not wanting or caring to do so. Only to wind up with a vague resemblance of a stereotypical of a staryotpyical fridge. Simultaneously not getting anything at all. Depression is sending all your waking hours at night because no one is awake to bark orders at you or to expect anything from you.
Depression is a constant struggle and fights just do basic tasks like housekeeping and self-hygiene and hating yourself for it. Depression is all this and so much much more. depression is a different battle to all those soldiers in the fight. Not all those soldiers come home from that fight, and that's ok. But for those who do come home from that fight. you may feel alone in a sea of people we promise you that you are not alone, we see you. WE hear you and we are there for you.
If you or someone you know is experiencing or expressing depression, depressive thoughts, or thoughts of suicide call the national suicide hotline at 1800-273-8255.
Comments